Relationship Outsourcing
I am a contributing relationship writer for a local blog. When I warned Mister it could mean our relationship becomes the subject of my writing, he said, “I’m in.”
One evening we had a moderately intense discussion about the pressure we feel to be “more” for each other, and our insecurities around not possessing all the traits we think we’re “supposed to” in our relationship.
This isn’t unusual - especially early in a relationship when you’re trying to be an impressive supercharged version of yourself, taking on interests and traits that aren’t truly in your wheelhouse.
The problem is, when we do this, we are inauthentic. And it shows.
When we make assumptions about what our partner wants, we show up in a way that feels unnatural, then we get all up in our head about what we’re NOT rather than simply being the unique things we ARE.
I told him, “Listen, I will always be the funnier one in this relationship, that’s not a trait I need from you.” Which I naturally thought was funny. He may not agree. But it opened up an important conversation about not expecting our partners to fulfill our every need.
Around this same time, my bestie and I had a conversation about how easy it is to get disappointed when our partners don’t give us the reactions, validation or enthusiasm we expect. As much as they want to be there for us, they may not fully grasp the significance of certain situations in our lives.
That’s where good friends come in to help with relationship outsourcing. Sometimes you need a cheerleader. Sometimes you need a devil’s advocate. Sometimes you need someone to tell you your new eye makeup looks pretty. Putting this sole responsibility on our partners sets them up for failure. Which is why I like to outsource.
I went back to Mister to close the loop. I assured him, “I don’t need you to be all the things for me. That’s an exhausting and unrealistic expectation. Similarly, I don’t want that pressure on me either.”
I felt a blog brewing.
During the writing process, I enlisted Mister’s help. I shared my first draft and he made thoughtful comments and edits. We talked openly about the pressure that comes from thinking there’s something more/better out there. And the pressure of thinking YOU need to be more/better. (Very cathartic for two overachievers.)
The bottom line is: be authentic in your relationship. Here’s how:
Get honest about what you need from your partner and what they can expect from you.
Know when you need to outsource. And agree to be ok with the outsourcing!
Lead with the traits that are uniquely you - that’s what your person fell in love with, after all.
More than anything, it’s important to get clear on your non-negotiable values and traits and communicate them.
But beyond that, be open to the surprises. You may think your partner should love 90s rock as much as you, but maybe instead you develop new shared musical hobbies you never dreamed of!
Vulnerability, trust, growth and openness are my non-negotiables. The fact we could turn an emotionally charged conversation into a shared revelation and then co-create a blog is pretty special. It checks all my non-negotiables.
It kinda makes the fact he doesn’t know Jane’s Addiction a little more palatable. Just barely.
