Who’s in your toolbox?
Previously published on The Heat Index blog, May 2022
I bought an electric drill recently. It was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made. I love how powerful I feel when I’m effortlessly installing hardware to hang things on my wall! As much as I love my new drill, it’s only one tool in my collection.
I obviously can’t get every house project done with my drill. I need my hammer, pliers, wrench and screwdrivers. My drill is great, but it can’t do it all.
This is how I feel about romantic relationships. Movies and songs paint pictures of our partners being our “everything”. They give us the illusion that one perfect person will somehow fulfill all our emotional, physical and spiritual needs.
Expecting our partners to be the Swiss Army Knife of humans is not only unrealistic, but it’s completely unfair. Guess what happens when we put a bunch of expectations on someone? Disappointment. Maybe resentment. One person can’t do it all. And that’s ok!
I can’t expect my man to share all my interests and hobbies. Besides, I love having things that are only for me. I don’t need him to share the same level of excitement I do about 90s rock music! Also, he doesn’t need to possess every desirable human characteristic because it’s way too much pressure. We live in a world where dating resembles online shopping, and we’re tricked into believing we should constantly seek a sweeter bargain. No one is, nor should be perfect.
This is why it’s important to have a well-stocked friendship toolbox. Just like my hammer and pliers have their unique roles, so do my friends. I have friends who enjoy long spiritual conversations and those who simply want to grab a quick beer. I know who to call when I need a pep talk and where to go to be distracted by silliness.
What I’ve found even more important than a great partner and toolbox of friends, is a solid relationship with myself. Rather than relying on other people to love and support me the way I crave, I discovered it’s up to me to give this to myself. When I learned to do this, I became more secure in my relationships and less inclined to put the impossible responsibility of fulfilling all my needs onto someone else.
If you feel pressure to be something “more” in your relationship, you’re not alone. It’s easy to compare your relationship and feel like you’re not stacking up. Is that pressure real, or is it a story your insecurity is telling you?
Spend a moment taking inventory of your toolbox and give a shout out to the people who make your world better. And use these conversation starters with your partner (or pals) to uncover what makes your relationship special:
What qualities do I bring to your life that no one else does?
What things do we do together that are unique to us? What activities do we love doing separately?
Tell me something that makes you feel special and loved.
What is one new shared hobby, ritual or activity we can start together?
